ANDY BOROWITZ = NOT FUNNY, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT

Who is Andy Borowitz, and why am I even bothering to point out how unfunny he is? Well, Andy is a contributor to the New Yorker, a regular on CNN's "American Morning," and the proprietor of BorowitzReport.com, which is like The Onion without an edge or ScrappleFace without an agenda -- and like both without the humor. He also "created" the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." At least nominally -- his wife co-created and neither had any further writing or directing credits on the program, which succeeded solely due to the blinding charisma of Will Smith.

He's worth noting because he is not funny. At all. For example, he contributed captions to pictures of various "October Surprises" for the September 24 issue of the New Yorker:

"Tom Ridge raises threat level to 'John Kerry threw away his medals.'"

"White House announces capture of trick-or-treater wearing bin Laden mask."

"Teresa Heinz Kerry airdrops crisp ten-dollar-bills over key battleground states."

"Campaigning in San Francisco, John Ashcroft declares, 'I am a gay American.'"

I know. You're about to wet yourself.

Let's take his recent headlines from this month alone. They include "Peterson Jurors No Longer Remember Trial," "Democrats already focusing on losing in 2008," "Canada reports huge jump in migration" and "Ashcroft named Ambassador to Mars." Borowitz's cutting intellect skewers the fact that heavily publicized trials take too long, Democrats have lost a lot of presidential elections, disaffected liberals are grousing about leaving the country, and in a pinch the word "Ashcroft" will suffice for an actual joke. To which I can only respond: Ha ha ha ha! Where does he come up with this stuff?

Just after the election he showed up on MSNBC's "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" to crack wise about the presidential election and evaluate the meaningless oracles everybody likes to consult. Now, Olbermann thinks of himself as a comedian as well, and if you've never seen Olbermann force himself to laugh at jokes by a guest brought on specifically for entertainment purposes while trying -- and in fact failing -- to one-up said guest's humor quotient, I invite you to read the following and cringe along with me:

OLBERMANN: Let's start down with breakdown of the Redskins. The previous 17 elections, if they lost their last home game before the vote, the incumbent lost the presidency. Oops. On the other hand, the fine folks at 7-Eleven offered coffee in cups with each candidate's name on them and they sold more Bush cups. What is the lesson we can draw from these two rights and wrongs here?

BOROWITZ: Well, none, because, really, the only sports indicator that counts is Curt Schilling. He is always right. On the other hand, Manny Ramirez, I am pretty sure, did not know there was an election this week. So you don't go to him. The 7-Eleven thing, I just throw all that out, because, in that same period, 7-Eleven moved a record number of ketchup packages, which should have been very good for Kerry.

OLBERMANN: Oh. And, by the way, you should also mention that Curt Schilling will also tell you that he's always right, in case you ever have to ask him.

BOROWITZ: That's true.

OLBERMANN: Since 1888, the taller candidate has won 30 out of 32 elections. Now it's 30 out of 33. On the other hand, the streak of victories by the candidate who owns the most pets continues. Is there a lesson here?

BOROWITZ: Well, I think the pets thing is very dangerous, Keith, because we are trying to export democracy now to places like Iraq. Do we really want to tell the Shiites that their goats are going to decide this thing? I don't think so.

OLBERMANN: Yes.

BOROWITZ: It's very sad.

It sure is.

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posted by WWB at 11:23 AM |