The Washington Canard

SCREECH²

If you didn't know, the Washington Nationals' mascot is a fat baby eagle named "Screech." And of course, when this was first announced, everyone between the ages of eight and eighty had the exact same thought. That includes the folks at the Washington Post, who asked Saved by the Bell's own Dustin Diamond to participate in a washingtonpost.com live chat on the subject earlier this afternoon.

(Note: All spelling is as it originally appears. I don't have all day.)

One would imagine it was a bit unusual for him to answer a few questions about this mascot:

washingtonpost.com: Dustin, Thank you for joining us today. What's in a name? Based on your experience playing the character "Screech" on "Saved by the Bell," what might lie in store for the Washington Nationals' recently unveiled mascot -- having been named "Screech"?

Dustin Diamond: Concerning the new "Screech" mascot... The mascot was named after the Eagle and the sreeching sound it makes. I'm sure it would 've been funny though to see a giant foam Screech from SBTB out there though. Morale could go either way. Hey if the team lost a game then the mascot could beat up the new mascot for Hawaii, the Hawaii Horshack.

But other questions, one assumes, he's quite adept at answering. Queries such as:

Atlanta, Ga.: Screech! Have you seen Slater recently? What about Mr Belding? Have you thought about a prime time Saved By the Bell reunion where everyone returns to save the school from some lame, easily solved teen problem?

And:

New York, NY: Dustin, Would you be jealous if you found out Screech (not you) was dating Lark Vorhees?

And:

Los Angeles, Calif.: Hey buddy. This is Mark Paul Gosselar. Don't be fooled by my seeming inability to spell my own name. Is there anything you always wanted to tell me but never had the chance? This would be a great format for it.

To which Screech ... er, Diamond has apparently settled on a pat response:

Dustin Diamond: no way bro

Although sometimes he snaps and takes it out on his fellow castmates:

Bethesda, MD: Screech, I have always been a huge fan, in fact you were the only reason I used to watch saved by the bell. I was excited to hear our new mascot was Screech, how do you feel about it? Do you miss hanging out with A.C. Slater and the gang?

Dustin Diamond: Thanks. The Washington Slaters would be cool but the whole team would have to cheat on their wives.

You can see why. On more than one occasion he was moved to insist:

99% of what you see on the internet is false or exagerated. P.S. Mike D from the beasty boys is NOT my brother.

And:

Neil is NOT my dad. There may be some relation there but I've never looked it up or met Neil.