The Washington Canard
Where C-SPAN is the local TV news
Sunday, May 28, 2006
AS IF WE DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THAT CRIME PAYS / THE BALLAD OF ISAIAH
In this week's mailbag, Bill Simmons seeks the answer to a question that's crossed my mind at least every Sunday for the past few months:
Q: I'll cut right to the chase. My friends and I have debated what we think Tony Soprano takes home a year. Pre or post-tax, your choice. --Mike, Watchung, N.J.
SG: Obviously, this question was too important to answer on my own, so I contacted the one person who would know: My stepdad, a diehard "Sopranos" fan (this is an understatement) and the right person for this question on about 10 different levels. Yes, he's 100 percent Italian. And no, he's not in the mafia. As far as I know. Anyway, here was his take:
"Remember, Tony is the top guy. So everyone's kicking back to him on everything they're doing. He's got 7-8 captains working under him, and those people all have people working under THEM, so he's getting kickbacks on every single thing that happens. Just in the last few episodes, Gay Vito offered him 200K to get back into the fold; Paulie mentioned that his cut from the Italian Feast was 30K; and the big fat guy brought them the huge envelope right before they stabbed him. He's getting kickbacks like that every week from every direction. That stuff adds up.
"Then you have to factor in all their businesses. They have gambling obviously. They have those high-stake poker games from time to time. Liquor and cigarettes. The strip joint. Construction and sanitation, which bring in more money than anything else. I'm not sure about drugs, they don't really touch that on the show. But they have those truck heists, robberies and all that other stuff -- like when Paulie killed those guys and found all the money in the refrigerator. And unlike the old days, you don't have to pay off judges and politicians anymore -- that stuff doesn't happen now.
"I would say he clears about $2 million a year. But it's all tax-free because it's all dixie money (under the table) and he doesn't have to report any of it. Remember the episode when the kid wanted to sell his family's construction business and Tony wouldn't let him because that's where he had his fake job that gave him medical insurance? That's probably the only income he reports to the IRS. And since he would be in the 50 percent tax bracket, and he's not turning over half of $2 million, it's really like he's making almost twice that much. The big problem is that it's hard to get rid of all that cash; you can't put it in the bank. So they have to bury it in their backyard or hide it in their house -- that's why Johnny Sack is screwed right now, all of his assets have been seized, he probably has money hidden all over the place and they're selling his house on him. But I say Tony pulls in about two million a year. And that might even be low."
Bonus throwback Simmons HBO commentary! — I watch the show "Entourage" — and by watch I mean "leave on in the background on account of being less execrable than that horrid show Michael Rapaport is/was doing for Fox" — but I wouldn't confuse it with quality. The best part of the show is Jeremy Piven as the agent, but Simmons was right when he wrote:
You know how everyone keeps saying how brilliant Piven is on "Entourage?" Well, he's sharing screen time with the likes of Adrian Grenier and the bully from "Rocky V" -- he's good, but he's not that good. Those guys make him look like a young Pacino.
No new Sopranos this week, of course. HBO is replaying the previous 3 episodes, which I hope means something major goes down next week. Yes, Vito finally got what was we all knew was coming to him the very moment Finn caught him in fellate delicto last season, but the show really has been teasing us with too many close calls. Maybe it's unfair to throw Tony's near-death experience in there, but it sounds like Bobby Bacala might not even lose the use of the eye he was shot in.
Under normal circumstances I would probably watch those 3 episodes again tonight, but it happens to fall during the best NBA playoffs in years. And call me crazy, but I'm guessing Bill Simmons will be watching the Western Conference Finals this evening too.
In the meantime, if you know anything about Isiah Thomas' unfathomable/infuriating/hilarious guard-hoarding as GM of the New York Knicks, I highly recommend:
